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Jul. 27th, 2006

And now I'm mad at him. I promised I wouldn't say anything bad about him and I'll keep that promise, but now I'm mad because I get to realize it's his fault. The relationship was his fault in the first place, and although I think many issues were my fault or atleast mostly so, he did lots of things wrong, too. Hurting me the most is the fact that I know I loved him more than he loved me. Through actions and notions of respect and love, I could tell. Odd, because at the beginning of the relationship (when I kept thinking we had so much in common), it seemed to be so balanced. I remember comparing the mutual like to the more one-sidedness that happened with Justin (where it was me) and Rob (where it was him). I think I may have written a journal entry about it some time in February. I won't let myself look back. It's not his fault that he didn't love me as much as I loved him. I want to scream from the rooftops that he's incapable, but I don't think that's true. I do know that he loved me, and I think that when he finds the right person, he'll go leaps and bounds, and give them the unconditional support he wasn't able to give me.

Unintentionally, I see myself becoming someone who won't open up, because they know it'll hurt more when it's over. One of those cynical, pessimistic people that I never thought I would be. I've always been more of a "It's better to have loved and lost" sort of person, and now it's all changing. I'm not saying I regret the relationship... just that I will be much more careful with my heart in the future.

I wonder if writing is therapeutic, or I have some sort of ulterior motive.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
ahuva_thinks
Jul. 27th, 2006 05:49 pm (UTC)
It's hard to quantify love. I suspect that he expresses love differently from the way you do. Maybe his love isn't less than yours, maybe it's just not the way you need to be loved-- maybe you need support and validation expressed in a more verbal, more open way. Or maybe I'm just projecting myself on you because that's what I need. :)

Somehow, I don't see you becoming cynical and pessimistic. You're hurting a lot now. If you didn't hurt, that would mean that you hadn't really loved him. You'll be more cautious, but you will love again. You will bond to another man. You are warm and emotional; it's in your nature to reach out for love.
silicon_jesus
Jul. 28th, 2006 02:25 am (UTC)
Being cynical and pessimistic isn't all bad. If you expect the worst, then you're never let down. And if something actually works out then you're pleasantly surprised.

As for being careful with your heart, it's a good plan. I'm sure you heard about how two almost consecutive girlfriends took me to the cleaners. Of course, I don't really regret the relationships where I didn't get hosed completely.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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botticelli
thisgirliknow
Much like pineapples, I am hardcore.

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