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Jul. 27th, 2006

Userpics have now been deleted, letters he wrote to me have been stashed away for no sooner than twenty years, and voicemails... the really sweet ones that you save and can't force yourself to delete? Deleted. The fact that I'm cleaning my apartment is not going to make this easy. I'll keep coming across items of his (which I'm putting in a trash bag because they fit, not because I plan to throw them away). When I'm all packed up and everything of his is out, I'll put it on his doorstep sometime when I know he's at work.

I feel empty. Maybe because I haven't eaten in 40 hours, but probably because I lost the biggest part of my life, and rather suddenly. I've been awake for atleast an hour, though, and I haven't cried yet. That's either a step in the right direction, or me refusing to let my emotions out, which could be a problem, I suppose.

When my mind is wandering and even when it's not, I keep thinking about him. Oddly, I keep imagining this one "stage" of him, when he had longer hair and a beard. Has it been that long since I was truly happy? Or is that just how I'd like to remember him, how I liked him best? Whether that's the case or not, those same memories keep coming into my head. People make reality and the past what they want it to be, and although I KNOW the reasons we shouldn't be together, I have a very hard time seeing that any of them are because of him. It's a curse, but I'm only remembering the good stuff, and missing it so clearly.

Perhaps my judgement is off, but I think I might be a better writer as this twisted, tortured soul. Maybe that makes sense.

I appreciate all the kind words and support, I do, but it's about as helpful as seeing someone with a mangled arm and saying, "wow, that must have hurt." Of course it did, thanks for pointing it out.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
chapstickqueen
Jul. 27th, 2006 11:24 am (UTC)
I'm about to start sorting through the last 4 years of my life to prep for the roadtrip home. This includes a year a half worth of stuff from when I was with Paul. It had previously inhabited a couple huge storage containers that I've never looked at since a month or so after the breakup. On top of that, Eric's here to help me sort through and pack up everything and move home. Going to be...interesting.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I understand what you're going through. And it sucks. I ate nothing but orange juice popsicles for about a month, sat in front of a mirror and watching myself cry, took hour long hot showers[thank god i didn't have to pay for water!]...I'm sorry things are so sucky for you. But they'll get better one day. Promise.
jkrissw
Jul. 27th, 2006 11:29 am (UTC)
but probably because I lost the biggest part of my life, and rather suddenly

Remembering my divorce, years ago, it DOES leave a hole, a big one. You'll find a way to fill it from within yourself after a bit - it's letting someone ELSE try to fill it right away that can lead to a worse mess - but the vacuum sucks (no pun intended) in the meantime.
subjectivity
Jul. 27th, 2006 11:29 am (UTC)
for goodness' sake, eat some soup or something. I'm sure mom will bring you some if you dont' have any.

thisgirliknow
Jul. 27th, 2006 11:30 am (UTC)
I can't. One because I'm not hungry. Two because check your g-mail.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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botticelli
thisgirliknow
Much like pineapples, I am hardcore.

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