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I did a very stupid thing and I called him, because it was the only possible way that I could have atleast one thing that I wanted at the moment. We talked, and it's over. It's really really over, and there's nothing that I can take back and there's nothing that I can do to change it, so now I'm just Ms. Desperate Girl who fell in love with a boy who will never love her back as much, and she doesn't care and wants to be with him anyway.

Yes, after all this, after all the pain and suffering of seeing what it's like without him (and knowing that yes, the first days after a breakup are hard), I realized that I may have made a mistake in the first place, and now I want nothing more than Ron showing up at my door and being the uncaring, aloof, christian Republican self that he is. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself for breaking up with him, and I hate myself more for not being able to handle the decision that I made. I hate that he isn't the one for me because I want so badly for him to be. I want to be that right girl for him and I want him to be the boy for me and I know that isn't how it is.

I hate him for having so much control over me in my wants for him, and I hate how he doesn't seem to care that we've broken up. I just really dislike the whole situation and how I handled it. I thought I was getting better at breaking up. More practice, you know? Less cowardice, more civilized action, but I have NEVER wanted to be the desperate girl who thinks of changing or compromising her morals and values to be with the guy who won't compromise for her.

I love him so much. And by love, I mean the all-consuming rage that has entered my body and refuses to leave. Pure, passionate loving hatred.

And now it seems like he's broken up with me, by not wanting to give it any chance, and by refusing to acknowledge that we might have a chance.

And I still didn't find out what he wants me to do with a few extra things I found that he left here.

And Mr. and Mrs. Sweeney, or "Ed and Cathy" as I was never asked to call you... please stop reading my journal.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
subjectivity
Jul. 27th, 2006 03:33 am (UTC)
No, you handled this a lot better than last time. (although, don't you want to make these entries private?)
But I don't think anyone gets used to breaking up with people, unless they don't have feelings for those people. When there are feelings involved it's always hard and always messy. And the person who does the breaking up often has second feelings. And tries to go back, for the wrong reasons, out of loneliness or just wanting to repair something that feels broken. That doesn't mean that is a good idea. It's okay that you broke down and called him, but you should try not to do that. Maybe you could take his phone number out of your phone. Give yourself some time to heal.

You had a lot of good reasons but yes, it's very difficult. Just keep reminding yourself that he's not right for you. And, you're not right for him. You weren't going to stay with him without there being lots of doubts, questioning and compromise on things that you don't want to compromise on.

I do think that one day if you want to be you guys will be able to be friends, even though you weren't friends before. The kind of friends who can support each other and give advice because they really know each other. Both of you realize this was for the best.

You are going to be okay. It just takes a little time.

subjectivity
Jul. 27th, 2006 03:39 am (UTC)
oh, and just mail the things to him if they seem important or throw them away. Don't worry about that.
As for how he's acting, I'm sure suppressing his feelings is just a defense mechanism, you shouldn't let that get to you or think it's a reflection of you.

You should just focus on you. Grieve for a while, and then practice being the best and strongest version of yourself that you can be.
jkrissw
Jul. 27th, 2006 04:08 am (UTC)
I thought I was getting better at breaking up. More practice, you know? Less cowardice, more civilized action,

The ...gaah, how to put it.. methodology may become smoother over time, but the pain never does. Like I said, take some time for yourself. Get together with trusted friends, perhaps.

You're perfectly welcome to call me, if you wish. Email me for my phone number if I didn't give it to you already.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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botticelli
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Much like pineapples, I am hardcore.

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