November 28th, 2006

blurry

(no subject)

Occasionally when I'm bored at work, I look back through old LJ entries. I was looking back at my past birthdays and Thanksgivings, and after my 19th birthday, I just kept reading, and I got to a phone post entry about me and Indira. Rob transcribed it (and I remember Vivi telling me on the phone that he liked me, because it was a fairly long transcription, and why would you do that for a girl you didn't like?), and it had his LJ user tag. Out of curiousity, I clicked on it. I won't pretend that it's the first time that I've read his journal in the past year and a half, and it probably won't be the last. Despite what many people think, I still care a great deal about Rob and I'm interested in his life and well being. He doesn't update very often, though. I'll take what I can get.

Rob and Jess broke up.

Over the past year or so he's seemed really happy, happier than he ever was with me, and I was happy for him. He deserved someone like Jessica. Their break-up was amicable and mature, which is much more than I can say for what happened between he and I. I know that I have no right to be, but I'm oddly proud of him, that he could move on and have a mature, long-term relationship. I guess to me that means that I didn't screw him up so incredibly badly. But that's conceited. Obviously we were engaged, but I don't want to even try to pretend like I could have that much of an effect on his life.

Other than being strangely proud, I'm also slightly hopeful. Certainly not that we will get back together, but that perhaps he'll speak to me someday again. I know he started talking to Laura (his three-year relationship before me) shortly after he and I broke up. Laura and Rob didn't speak for a very long time after they broke up, and I guess I'm hoping that some time in the near or distant future he'll want to talk to me.

Sometimes I miss Rob. He treated me really well. We had some major issues that can be traced back to how much he loved me (possessiveness, jealousy) but the main problem was mine, and that was that I was not ready to get married. Not that I think our relationship would have lasted had we not gotten engaged, but I think it would have certainly been more amicable. Less pressure. Less 19-year-old-trying-to-be-a-grownup.

I guess I'm still just trying to figure it all out. I know people shouldn't harp on the past, but I'm still trying to understand myself as a person, and myself as a person has to be analyzed on the facts that exist. And they exist in the past.
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