July 27th, 2006

looking up

(no subject)

Userpics have now been deleted, letters he wrote to me have been stashed away for no sooner than twenty years, and voicemails... the really sweet ones that you save and can't force yourself to delete? Deleted. The fact that I'm cleaning my apartment is not going to make this easy. I'll keep coming across items of his (which I'm putting in a trash bag because they fit, not because I plan to throw them away). When I'm all packed up and everything of his is out, I'll put it on his doorstep sometime when I know he's at work.

I feel empty. Maybe because I haven't eaten in 40 hours, but probably because I lost the biggest part of my life, and rather suddenly. I've been awake for atleast an hour, though, and I haven't cried yet. That's either a step in the right direction, or me refusing to let my emotions out, which could be a problem, I suppose.

When my mind is wandering and even when it's not, I keep thinking about him. Oddly, I keep imagining this one "stage" of him, when he had longer hair and a beard. Has it been that long since I was truly happy? Or is that just how I'd like to remember him, how I liked him best? Whether that's the case or not, those same memories keep coming into my head. People make reality and the past what they want it to be, and although I KNOW the reasons we shouldn't be together, I have a very hard time seeing that any of them are because of him. It's a curse, but I'm only remembering the good stuff, and missing it so clearly.

Perhaps my judgement is off, but I think I might be a better writer as this twisted, tortured soul. Maybe that makes sense.

I appreciate all the kind words and support, I do, but it's about as helpful as seeing someone with a mangled arm and saying, "wow, that must have hurt." Of course it did, thanks for pointing it out.

(no subject)

And now I'm mad at him. I promised I wouldn't say anything bad about him and I'll keep that promise, but now I'm mad because I get to realize it's his fault. The relationship was his fault in the first place, and although I think many issues were my fault or atleast mostly so, he did lots of things wrong, too. Hurting me the most is the fact that I know I loved him more than he loved me. Through actions and notions of respect and love, I could tell. Odd, because at the beginning of the relationship (when I kept thinking we had so much in common), it seemed to be so balanced. I remember comparing the mutual like to the more one-sidedness that happened with Justin (where it was me) and Rob (where it was him). I think I may have written a journal entry about it some time in February. I won't let myself look back. It's not his fault that he didn't love me as much as I loved him. I want to scream from the rooftops that he's incapable, but I don't think that's true. I do know that he loved me, and I think that when he finds the right person, he'll go leaps and bounds, and give them the unconditional support he wasn't able to give me.

Unintentionally, I see myself becoming someone who won't open up, because they know it'll hurt more when it's over. One of those cynical, pessimistic people that I never thought I would be. I've always been more of a "It's better to have loved and lost" sort of person, and now it's all changing. I'm not saying I regret the relationship... just that I will be much more careful with my heart in the future.

I wonder if writing is therapeutic, or I have some sort of ulterior motive.

Castle Apartments

The good news is that I can still live at Castle. I still get the lower rent cost (I'll be paying $675 instead of $725 that the rent has already come up to). She told me I could pay my pet deposit off in several months rather than paying it right away. I just pay my $300 security deposit before next Friday (not an issue), and then my pro-rated rent on August 25th when I move in ($130.62, and again not an issue, as I will have been working for almost a month), and then rent in September. I don't have to start paying on Padfoot till October, which is nice. Jennifer is seriously the best housing manager I have ever met.

If Brian wants to move in with me, and if everything checks out with that, she just needs his paperwork before he physically moves in. I love gay men, they do their dishes.

Utilities are set up now. For August 25. I need to call Comcast (ugh).

Addendum: Comcast is now set up, too. I think I've done a fairly fantastic job of sounding human on the phone.