April 10th, 2006

picture post

(no subject)

Camping was fun. His parents are great.
The future is both bright and sucky.
I am not good at compromising, and even worse at other people compromising for my benefit.
Stop using the time factor. It means nothing.

Rob-ja vu

I'm scared that eventually I'll want to give him an ultimatum
I'm scared that he doesn't mind raising Jewish kids
I'm scared that I have too much of an influence over this
I'm scared that he thinks I want him to convert
I'm scared that despite my conscious thoughts, that I actually do
I'm scared that I'll feel hypocritical (again)
I'm scared that my children's father won't be able to explain their religion to them
I'm scared that he'll be ostracized
I'm scared that I don't know exactly what I want
I'm scared that it's been only two months and that this is a major issue
I'm scared this will continue to be a constant issue.
I'm scared that I'm not worth this

Forgive my messy ramblings

I'm leaving this entry public, but slander will not be tolerated, and will cause this entry to go friends-only.

People keep asking me why I'm thinking about this now. After all, it's only been two months.*

Truth is, I've thought about it a lot. An awful lot. It's always been an issue, and I think I've tried to avoid talking about it in fear of scaring Ron.

His parents brought up some points this weekend. They said that they would support us in whatever we decided to do, but made it abundantly clear that they did not think a two-religion home was a good idea, and that one of us would have to spin a hundred and eighty degrees.

I'm an uncompromising person when it comes to this. I'm not Christian. I will not ever be. My beliefs and ideals are Judaism with a touch of agnosticism. I am open to learning, but my fundamental beliefs lie in Judaism, and without offending anyone, I hope I am able to say that I will never believe in Christianty/Christ.

That said, I've dealt with this in the past. With Rob. When he originally decided to convert to Judaism, I felt terrible. I didn't want it to be me that had convinced him. Helping him find G-D I was fine with, but I wasn't fine with the fact that he was changing his ideas and beliefs because of me. We spent lots of time discussing my then-hypocritical thoughts towards conversion in the past. We were already engaged at the time, and I had thought I would be okay with raising mychildren as Jews but with a non-Jewish father. He and I had convinced ourselves and eachother that he was doing it for him, and not for me. We took conversion classes, and he was two weeks away when we broke up. And then, he decided not to become Jewish. Then I realized that all along it WAS for me, and the thought that I had tried to change someones religion really hurt, as I think that everyone should be able to believe what they want to believe. Not to say that people cannot be enlightened, but it is not my job, responsibility, or place to enlighten them (many Christians would disagree). I am not one for proselytization.

Okay, so this presents a problem. I don't want Ron to convert because of me. I am not going to convert for him or for me. I am not willing to raise my Children as anything but Jews. It puts us in a very sticky spot. Ron is a wonderful, compromising, adjusting man who has said that he wouldn't mind raising his children as Jews, but my own faults come into play. Say that I go along with this, and that he also believes he is okay with this. Does that mean that Ron never celebrates Christmas again? I can't ask that of him, but also don't want my children to celebrate Christian holidays. As 'American' as they have become, I'm still pretty darn sure that Christmas and Easter were the birth and resurrection of Jesus Christ... Or say down the road (like what happened with Rob), I realize I cannot be with a man who doesn't believe in the same faith as me? I can't trust myself to not do that, and again we're sticky.

What's more important though, a loving family or one who is united in their religion? Not that both cannot exist, but I think that Ron and I would be able to raise children who are good people who believe in G-d without a formal religious upbringing. But I don't want it. I want my son(s) and daughter(s) to become B'nai Mitzvah and be strong in their Jewish faith. It's funny, sometimes I don't mind being selfish at all, but when it comes to this, I know that I can't possibly ask that of Ron, to forgo all Christian traditions and practice Jewish ones, whether he converts or not. And no, for those reading this, I am not asking him to convert, nor will I ever.

I'm also not planning on breaking up with him. I love this man, and I want to spend as much time as possible with him, for as long as he'll have me. Luckily, we will hopefully not have to deal with this on a large scale for several years.

We both believe in G-d. We both have doubts about our religions. My religion welcomes doubt, I'm not sure about Christianity. We can discuss afterlife and good deeds, and life without too much disagreement. We have many of the same stances on domestic religious policies, though haven't discussed many for awhile. We're more the same than we are different. We wouldn't be together and have the wonderful relationship that we do if we had major colliding opinions.

*Two months. An amount of time, but what is time? And is two months 8 dates? Or is two months spending every possible moment together because you can't get enough of eachother, and spending the same amount of time together as you do apart? 60 dates?

**Two months. But is it easier to get out now, with less pain than to get in really deep and not be able to get out, and be much more hurt if the end of the relationship is deemed necessary? The farther you get in, the harder it is to get out.